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Hey Druzhok… put your tongue back in your mouth!

My co-worker is a queer little man. Very strange, annoying, and predictable all rolled up into a tight little ball. You can say he’s very set in his ways. He’ll subconsciously say or do the same things over and over again. He’ll recite the same joke time and time again. He’s pretty much a walking cliché.

I’m very good at ignoring and or forgetting a number of his “Juan-isms” but here are a few that stand out:

He’ll say, “Oh, are you OK? I heard you sigh and thought there might be something wrong?” He’ll do this each and every time someone sighs knowingly or unknowingly. You could be bored, stressed out, or just breathing with a purpose and it will trigger this quirky rant. He’ll be so happy with himself about this.

If he says, “Hello, how are you?” to someone and they pay no attention to him or maybe they didn’t hear him… it will mean the end of the world and he will treat it as such: “They did not say anything to me, they ignored me… I will never say hello to them ever again!” This has occurred more than once and has crushed the very being that is my little friend.

Once, he jokingly commented to a nearby co-worker who came to work sick, “Why are you here? You should really be at home with that cough because, you know, you might get me sick, too.” And, he continued to hint and remark directly to that person until finally his target went back home to tend to their sickness. But, the thing is, he did it unconsciously; knowing it was logical but unknowing that his persistent, maddening approach would finally make the individual so annoyed with him; they finally had no choice but to leave. (This one’s actually a good thing. If you’re sick, then yes you need to be home tending to your *black plague* and not a walking communal Petri dish for all to unwittingly snack from.)

OK, back to my point of naming him after one of Pavlov’s dogs… of course that’s where you thought I was going with this, right? I have him trained to when I eat snacks or lunch at my desk, the sounds of wrappers ripping, containers opening, or bags bursting makes his animated head pop up like a toy from the Island of Misfit Toys…

…accompanied by a Scooby-Doo like “Huh?” echoing from his mouth.

He will instantly have to raid the vending machine or go to lunch. But not before he offers up this tired discourse, “You know… when you open that bag of chips or I hear those wrappers, I get so hungry and I feel like I need to have some, too. I don’t know what it is?”

After this last time he needed to tell me about his ravenous ways… I immediately Google’d for the name of Pavlov’s dog.

Question: What was Pavlov’s dog’s name?

Answer: There were four dogs… their names were: Druzhok, Sultan, Zhuchko and Tsygan.

So Druzhok (meaning “little friend”)… please try to refrain from eating paint chips, and… please stop pooping on your neighbor’s lawn… and, for the love of Christ, please stop annoying people so much, will you?

(Side note: My “little friend” is from Spain, speaks English with a thick accent, and is most of the time very hard to understand. So, it’s possible we could all be losing something in the translation. Or, weird behaviors are universal and transcend continents, large bodies of water, and small office spaces.)